I woke up this morning and he was still laying right next to me. The dream felt so real, as if, I was afraid to wake up and he wasn’t going to be there anymore. I thought I would wake up to an empty room, an empty bed with his side empty. He tapped me on my shoulders, “babe, wake up, it’s already 8.” The first thing I asked him, “if you did something wrong, you would tell me right?” He looked at me and said, “Yeah, I would. You need to stop having dreams like that.”
I think I’m insane at times for overthinking too much and overanalyzing situations that are not there. While driving the other night, he smiled. I looked at him and asked, “Why are you smiling?” He replied, “I just love you so much, but you doubt me.” It made me really sad to know that I feel this way towards him, but I guess when you’ve been through so much hurt in all your relationships, you become accustomed to being hurt again, to feel that brokenness inside of you. He said, “I’m not going anywhere.”
All I could say…”I know. I’m trying.”
Maybe it’s time I start doing things for myself, by myself, independently. I’ve grown into this routine. I’ve forgotten about my own self worth. I’ve forgotten that I have needs too. I’ve forgotten that I have my own life to live too. That’s the biggest mistake I have always made and am still making.
From tomorrow on, it won’t be like yesterday or today. I need to get into a new routine…
Happy 1 year to us! This has been such an amazing journey and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You truly are an amazing person and I’m so glad we can share this amazing love together. Thank you for all that you’ve done, for putting up with my quirks and tantrums, and for making my nightmares become sweet dreams. I love you so much and I look forward to many more years with you.
In the morning,
I loved a man who kept promises
like poison under his tongue.
He locked me in a tower,
heaving through corrupted lungs.
In the afternoon,
I loved a boy who played with fire
as if my soul was gasoline.
Before he left I gave him everything
for he was the finest boy I’d ever seen.
Then at night,
I loved a stranger who swam in music
to drown the demons in his head.
He loved me more than anyone,
by dawn, I woke alone in his bed.
I loved no one
despite all the people I have met.
I’ve fallen for the girl in the mirror -
and she is the only lover I do not regret.